


A Thousand Words I Cannot Say

by HandleWithCare



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 10:08:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13761870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HandleWithCare/pseuds/HandleWithCare
Summary: Phil stumbles across an old photo of him and Dan that leads him to think about how much has changed over the last eight years, but how unbelievably happy he still is.





	A Thousand Words I Cannot Say

He finds it while editing a video.

He had originally been looking through photo folders on their editing computer from his phones over the years for some cringy selfie he took ten years ago. The video is a story-time of sorts, describing a day when he accidentally walked into the wrong classroom in university his first year and felt too awkward to get up and leave, so he ended up listening to a lecture on the basics of accounting for an hour and a half. He's including a selfie to show the audience what he looked like at the time. He's contemplating adding the fireworks effect around the picture because he will get his eight pounds worth out of it when he comes across a picture he hasn’t looked at in years.

It's a photo of him and Dan, which, technically, shouldn’t be all that monumental, as he has hundreds of photos of him and Dan, many of which are very old. Yet, when he looks at this photo, a recollection of the events prior to taking it pop into his head, so vividly that they may as well have happened yesterday.

**

_It was during that first week of December that Dan spent with him in 2009. Dan was showering while Phil scrolled through Twitter, looking at people’s responses to his latest video. As he was scrolling, he saw a random person tell him to recreate a stock photo with Dan. Phil chuckled and clicked the link the person included, expecting something humorous or downright stupid. Instead, the air was practically knocked out of his lungs as he looked at the image._

_It was a man standing up straight and holding a woman in his arms. Her legs were wrapped loosely around his lower torso/waist and her arms were looped around his neck, while he supported her back with his hands. They looked at each other with faux lovey expressions. There was nothing sexual about the image at all. The two weren’t pressed up against each other and they were fully clothed. In fact, it was quite cute. Yet, Phil was scared. To be fair, he had a lot to be scared of. Why did that person ask him to recreate this particular picture? Did they know that Dan and Phil were dating? Was their intent cruel or to fetishize queer men?_

_He wasn’t completely sure, but the thing that scared him the most was how much he actually wanted to recreate the photo with Dan. He didn’t even get a chance to dwell on it further because Dan walked into the lounge, freshly showered, hair still damp and a bit curly, smelling slightly of Phil’s raspberry body wash that he only uses when his parents are out of town. Saves him the risk of being lectured on what a real man should and should not smell like._

_“Hey,” Dan says as he sits down next to Phil on the sofa, “Whatcha lookin’ at?”_

_"Nothing,” Phil says, his voice cracking on the last syllable, as he lowers the screen of the laptop._

_Dan chuckles a bit. “Okay, now I have to see. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you for whatever porn you’re watching at four in the afternoon on a Wednesday.”_

_He takes the laptop from Phil and pushes the screen back up. He stares at the image for a few seconds and then looks back at Phil._

_"You know, Phil, in porn, there’s usually less clothing involved.”_

_Phil scoffs. “I know that and its not porn. Someone on twitter asked me to recreate it.”_

_“With who?” Dan asks and, suddenly, his voice is quiet and he looks everywhere but at Phil or the image._

_“You,” Phil replies in a voice equally as quiet._

_This conversation suddenly feels important and Phil isn’t used to important conversations, even with Dan. They have meaningful conversations and emotional conversations, but never conversations that feel like a dot on a timeline. He’s not against the idea, but its new and, frankly, terrifying._

_Dan looks at Phil, then, and raises his eyebrow. “Seriously?” he asks._

_“Yeah,” Phil answers, “and I didn’t want to say anything or show you because I may or may not want to actually recreate it with you.”_

_His voice trails off as he speaks, but Dan still hears him._

_“You want to recreate it? How come?” he asks, but in a way that sounds curious and not upset._

_Phil is used to people scoffing at his plans and thoughts before changing the subject completely. Dan never does. He seems to appreciate the way Phil’s mind works and always wants to know more, like he could never get tired of learning about Phil. Phil hopes he never does._

_Phil sighs. “I don’t know, a bunch of reasons, I guess. I’ve never been with another person before, not really, so I never got to do any of that cute coupley stuff. After a while, I figured that maybe I would never have someone to do that stuff with, so I gave up on it. Then, I started talking to you, which sounds cheesy as hell, but its true, and I realized that I still want to do that kind of stuff. I always have. I just never thought I’d get to. I care about you so much. I know it hasn’t been that long, but I want to make memories with you, so that we can look back on them and, ugh, never mind, it was a dumb idea.”_

_He began running his fingers through his fringe rather fiercely, as if, if he tugged hard enough, he may be able to pull his jumbled thoughts psychically out of his head and lay them out on the table before Dan, to help him understand. To help them both understand._

_Dan watched him do this for a few seconds before gently pulling his hands away from his hair and brushing a piece of his fringe away from his eyes. Phil responded by leaning over and shoving his face into Dan’s shoulder._

_“Phil,” Dan says._

_“What?” Phil responds, his voice muffled by the hoodie Dan is wearing. A hoodie that Phil’s pretty sure is actually his, not that it matters._

_Dan chuckles slightly and moves himself, so that Phil is looking in his direction._

_"Look at me, you spork.”_

_Phil looks over at Dan and braces himself for the clear but kind rejection of his plan. Of course, he knows that Dan has every right to reject Phil’s ideas, but, for some reason he can’t understand, this particular rejection hurts, like a dull ache._

_"Phil,” Dan begins, “I think it is absolutely adorable that you want us to take a cute couple picture. I do. I may have been in relationships before, but we never did things like that. I used to think it was because I didn’t want to or that those types of things were lame, but, I don’t know, I think I didn’t want to because I was afraid.”_

_"Afraid of what?” Phil asks in a quiet voice, the word ‘important’ buzzing around in his head like an angry insect._

_Dan sighs, looks at his feet, then over to Phil’s feet, and then back up._

_“Afraid of what it would imply, I guess,” he answers, “I know to some people couple photos or whatever are just cute little things, but, to me, stuff like that, making memories, physical memories, makes everything seem so much more real. It implies a future, you know? And, if I’m being honest, the future scares the crap out of me.”_

_“It doesn’t have to imply anything,” Phil tells him._

_Dan laughs softly at that, though it’s a little bit shaky._

_"I know that, but, sometimes, my mind doesn’t believe it. You and I or anyone taking a cute picture in a pose doesn’t mean that we’re getting married or something, but its something so deliberate, you know? We’re choosing to do this, which means that we’re imagining a future together where we can look back, at least a little bit.”_

_He looks up directly into Phil’s eyes and swallows before continuing._

_“I do want a future with you, Phil. Of course I do. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Right now, you are the only part of my life that makes sense and I don’t want to fuck it up by freaking out about what the future holds. I think way too much, about everything. Sometimes, that’s a good thing, but, sometimes, it ruins things. And I don’t want to ruin this.”_

_Phil takes a deep breath and opens his arms wide, a silent invitation. Dan accepts and curls into Phil’s arms, his head against Phil’s chest._

_"It’s okay to be scared, you know,” Phil says, “Relationships are scary for everyone. I’m always afraid that I’m moving too fast for you.”_

_Dan shakes his head against Phil’s chest, but Phil continues anyway._

_“I never had a person who makes me feel the way you do, and, I guess, it makes me want to do everything with you. I don’t want to push you to do anything you don’t want, but, believe me, you being scared will never ruin this. Never.”_

_He says the last part looking down at Dan’s face while stroking his back. Dan nods against him and turns, so his head is resting on Phil’s arm. He looks up at Phil’s face and kisses his chin before taking a deep breath._

_"You promise you won’t drop me, right?” he asks._

_"Hmm,” Phil replies, his hands now stroking Dan’s side._

_Dan laughs. “I said, when you pick me up for the picture, you won’t drop me, right?”_

_Phil’s head snaps over to look at him. “But I thought…”_

_Dan interrupts him. “I know, but you’re right. A picture doesn’t have to mean anything, and, maybe I want it to mean something or maybe I don’t, but I want to at least have the choice. I trust you and I care about you and this clearly means a lot to you. So, yes, let’s do it.”_

_Phil laughs, the kind of laugh where his tongue gets trapped between his teeth, and, if it sounds a bit watery, neither of them mention it. He kisses Dan on the cheek with an exaggerated noise before standing up, taking Dan’s hand, and running towards his bedroom to take the photo. Dan giggles the whole way there._

_**_

To take the photo, Phil remembers, took over an hour. Phil was and still is the clumsiest person alive, so he took extra precautions and set pillows from every room of the house on his floor just in case Dan fell. He placed his camera on a tripod and set it to take a photo every thirty seconds. By the time they got a good one, the camera had taken over one hundred photos. The final one, the one Phil was looking at now, was, in his opinion, the best one.

He’s standing up straight, with Dan in his arms and Dan’s legs wrapped loosely around his waist. His hands are resting on Dan’s back, while Dan’s arms are around his neck. Their foreheads are pressed together, but they’re both smiling. He remembers how nervous he had been before taking the photo. Would he drop Dan? Where should his hands go? In the moment, though, it all felt a bit less nerve wreaking, as things with Dan often did.

Suddenly, he hears the door to the gaming room where he’s editing open and Dan walks in, holding a mug of coffee.

“I made you a coffee,” he says as he hands the hot mug to Phil. Phil smiles at him, takes the mug, and takes a sip.

“Thank you,” he replies because he’ll always say thank you to Dan.

“No problem,” Dan answers, sitting down in the chair next to Phil, “I just hope it has enough sugar to satisfy you, you fiend.”

Phil giggles as Dan looks at the computer screen. “Is that…?” he begins.

“Um, yeah,” Phil responds, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly with the hand not holding the mug, “It’s us, from, like, eight years ago. Do you remember?”

“Of course I do,” Dan says, something in his voice that Phil can’t seem to pinpoint. “I remember not wanting to take it because taking a couple photo seemed too overwhelming. I remember how scared I was of the future. I also remember you listening to me and not pushing. Oddly enough, that’s what made me want to do it.”

“Because I didn’t push?” Phil asks.

“Well, yeah,” Dan answers, “You listened to why it scared me and left the decision up to me. It made me trust you more and let me see that a future with you could be a pretty damn good one. I mean, look at us now.”

Phil looks at the computer, at the picture folders on the desktop, containing the thousands of pictures he and Dan have taken together over the years. Pictures from their first holiday in Portugal all the way to their most recent one with Bryony and Wirrow. Pictures from birthdays and other holidays over the years. Creep shots and photoshoots, both official and just for fun. Photos they’ve posted and some they’ve kept just for them. They’ve both changed so much in appearance, they’ve grown and matured as people, and achieved more than they ever could have dreamed.

“Phil?” Dan’s voice shakes him out of his thoughts.

“Yes?”

“Well, I was wondering, if you maybe wanted to recreate the picture now. You know, because we’re older and arguably better and less cringy.” Dan says, a bit too fast, but Phil still hears him.

“Really?” Phil asks excitedly, a smile forming on his face.

Dan chuckles. “Yes, you spoon. I was so afraid to do it before because the future seemed scary and it still does, a little bit, but, I’m not scared of you. I never was. I love you so much and I want to do this. Plus, in ten years, we can look back on it and see how much more we’ve changed. Or try to recreate it again and hope your old man back doesn’t give out.”

Phil smiles, leaps up out of his chair, and pulls Dan with him, this time, towards their bedroom, in their flat, in London.

“What about your video?” Dan asks between giggles, as Phil attempts to not trip over his own two feet.

“Later.”

**

Despite Dan’s insistence that he should hold Phil because, _I’m taller now, Phil, get over it,_ the photo is taken with Dan in Phil’s arms. _It’s not a true recreation if we change the positions, Dan._

This time, though, there are obvious differences. Now, both of them are much more confident. Dan legs are wrapped tight around Phil’s waist. Phil’s hands rest on Dan’s hips, and Dan’s arms rest on Phil’s shoulders, his fingers lightly gripping the hair on the back of Phil’s neck. They look each other in the eyes, soft smiles on their faces, Dan’s dimple as prominent as ever.

They may be older and heavier than they were eight years ago, but the process only takes about ten minutes. Phil quickly grabs the camera off the tripod and plugs the SD card into the editing computer. They eventually find a picture they like best, the final one they took before Phil felt like his legs were going to give out. He opens up the other picture, too, the one from 2009.

“Wow,” Dan says, “We look so different.”

Phil looks at Dan sitting next to him, at his curly hair, his over-sized jumper, the small gold hoop earring in his right ear, and then looks at the Dan in the 2009 photo. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to properly convey how proud of Dan he constantly is, how proud he is of his growth and resilience. He looks at his old self, too, and thinks about how much he’s changed. He’s more open than ever before about who he really is and the things that matter to him, how much Dan matters to him. He knows he has a lot more growing to do and he can always be better, they both can, but, now, it doesn’t scare him like it used to.

“Do you think we’ll ever post them?” Dan asks as he leans his head against Phil’s shoulder.

Phil thinks about that. 2017 and, arguably the last few years, have been about taking down walls. Slowly. And not all of them, of course. There were some things their audience didn’t need to know or see. Sometimes, it seemed as if what the audience was allowed to see was constantly changing, but certain things would always be just for them. There was something about recreating a picture they first took in 2009, when they were younger, naïve in more ways than one, and unknowing of everything that was about to come, good and bad, that made it feel important. The kind of important that made Phil’s heart do somersaults, like it did in the moments before Dan kissed him the first day they met. The kind of important that would be implanted into his memory for life, so that, in one, two, even fifty years from now, when he closes his eyes and thinks about it, it will play behind his closed lids like a movie that only he and Dan have tickets to. The kind of important that was for their eyes only.

“I don’t think so,” Phil admits.

“Okay,” Dan agrees.

They sit in comfortable silence for a bit until Dan eventually rises from his chair and goes to leave the room.

“You coming?” he asks.

“In a minute,” Phil replies.

Dan nods, leaving the room and heading towards the lounge. Phil stares at the two pictures a little while longer. He has a million and one thoughts right now and no appropriate way to express them. That doesn’t scare him anymore, though; he knows he has plenty of time.

He looks at the pictures once more before closing the folder, getting up, and walking towards the lounge to give Dan a hug, simply because he knows he can.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!! Thanks for reading! This is my first fanfiction ever and I've been really nervous to post it, but I hope you enjoyed reading it and I hope to write more in the near future. Constructive criticism is always appreciated. You can find me on tumblr @ say-youll-be-there :)


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